We met with our new social worker, Joan, a couple of weeks ago to complete our home study update. (A home study is part of the adoption process for all types of adoption, and it involves meeting with a social worker at your home to discuss issues related to adoption, address any particular concerns relevant to your family situation, and to determine through a simple inspection that your home is safe for children and can accommodate your adopted child.) The funny part about our home study update is that when Joan called to schedule her visit, she said, "I see your husband works for the same law firm as my brother." So I asked what her brother's name was, and as it turns out he is one of Tom's closest friends and our oldest son's godfather. Small world. Joan had to check with our agency whether it was okay for her to do our home study update, considering this coincidental connection, and our agency confirmed that it was fine. So we agreed to have Joan be our social worker, and it was fun meeting with her.
One of the biggest concerns with adopting a child older than a newborn is the issue of attachment. There are a lot of opinions on this topic, but most experts and adoptive parents agree that the majority of children adopted after early infancy will struggle with attachment to some degree. Children who have spent the bulk of their lives in an institution - which will likely be the case for our daughter - will also have growth and developmental delays. The majority of kids catch up once they're in a family setting, but attachment seems to be the most difficult issue for many families. The initial adjustment can be very, very challenging, especially when you combine it with the exhaustion brought on by major jet lag and serious sleep issues (common among newly-adopted children) and the needs of your other children. Joan talked with us at length about what to expect in terms of our daughter's adjustment and how it might impact our family. The good news is that there is support available for families struggling with post-adoption issues, the state has programs in place for children experiencing developmental delays, and most children become very attached to their families and adjust very well overall - but the whole idea is still rather daunting to say the least. (Joan said that if she didn't scare us a little, she wasn't doing her job. Suffice it say, she did her job.)
What's important to keep in mind is that adoption initially means a huge loss for the child. She's not old enough to understand that being part of a family is so much better in the long run, and that her adoptive parents love her and will not abandon her. All she can comprehend is that she has lost everyone and everything that is familiar to her, and it's confusing, scary, uncertain and it hurts like hell. And for all she knows, it might happen again tomorrow. Or the next day. Hopefully she will have attached to a particular caregiver in her orphanage - or better yet, in a foster home, which is becoming more common in China. This would mean a lot of grieving in the beginning, but in the long run it is better for a child to have had an attachment to someone special than a vague familiarity with nobody in particular. We take for granted all the little interactions we have with our biological children, beginning even before they are born. Human beings were not designed to be raised in institutions, and whether or not a child is "old enough to remember" the events of her early life, the lack of opportunity to form a strong attachment with a caregiver early in life is a serious wound to a child's spirit. Not to mention the loss of her birth mother, whose voice she knew before she was born and who cared for her - at least for a time - prior to her being placed in the orphanage.
I once listened to an audio presentation given by a priest, who quoted a parishioner of his - a mother of many children - on the topic of gratitude. The quote was, "If you want gratitude, buy a dog." As the mother of two children and the owner of one dog, I can tell you that this statement is true. Our newly adopted child undoubtedly will have strong feelings about the strange-looking foreigners who have kidnapped her (i.e., us), but those feelings probably won't include a sense of gratitude. We'll have to encourage her to trust us by keeping her close, responding to her needs, being her sole caregivers for awhile, encouraging eye contact and skin-to-skin snuggling, feeding her without fighting over food, keeping a consistent routine without fighting over sleeping arrangements, and helping her to understand what it means to be part of a family. From trust comes love, but it takes time.
